Wednesday, October 31, 2007


The other day I was working on my annual Laker blog, but it wasn't coming together. I was so frustrated and bitter about the whole Kobe Bryant situation that all I ended up with were blogs like "101 Reasons Why Kobe Will Never Win Another Championship," "What Really Happened That Night in Colorado," and "Screw Kobe: Trade His Multi-Millionaire Whining Ass, Then Lower Beer Prices at the Staples Center."

Before last night's home opener, I told my brother that no self-respecting Laker fan should cheer for the (alleged) rapist when he was introduced. So it was nice to see that most of the fans in LA last night were booing him as loudly as I was.

So long, Kobe. Have fun not winning a championship for whatever team you end up on.

I need something to cheer me up. How about the Evolution of Dance in only six minutes?

Friday, October 19, 2007


During my weekly poker game, it can be a real gabfest, as long as it's not during the hand being played. Usually, it's a poker-related or politically incorrect joke, but sometimes a juicy bit of gossip will get us going like a bunch of Chatty Cathy dolls. There are two women who are regulars in the game, but it's usually the guys who chat like it's a damn sewing circle.

The other day someone mentioned that he went to the same high school as Jessica Alba. He graduated the year she was a freshman and before she became The Jessica Alba. We all did our best Wayne-and-Garth "We're Not Worthy" bit before getting back to the cards.

Not much point to this story, except it gives me an excuse to post Miss Alba's scene from Sin City. Call me crazy, but I thought she deserved an Oscar for this performanc.

Monday, October 15, 2007


Many moons ago, I played guitar in a few metal bands that you've never heard of. It was a wilder and simpler time back in the day, when men were men and women were groupies.

Just kidding, ladies, I know I'm being bad. You can spank me later.

The bands I was in usually did a song written by someone else. Why? Well, sometimes we wanted to honor a band that inspired us by playing one of their songs. Perhaps one of our new tunes wasn't working out, so we'd use the cover song to round out the set list. Or maybe we wanted to score a sure hit with the audience, since there's no better way to guarantee applause than playing a song you know they already loved.

One summer I played at a campground near Magic Mountain. There were six bands, a buncha kegs, and various substances of questionable legality. It was our version of a thrash metal Woodstock. My band was up third in the order and we took the makeshift stage before the sun was set to go down.

Our show went well and as we closed our set, the crowd roared when they heard the sustain of the opening notes to Slayer's "Raining Blood." The moment the drums kicked in, everybody went crazy. I tried to concentrate on my playing, but couldn't help watching the bodies flying everywhere and the big cloud of dust being kicked up by the mosh pit. Of course, the inevitable fight started in the pit and one of my buddies was shot as we finished the song.

Park rangers, medics, and nearby police were on the scene in no time. My buddy was fine – the bullet grazed his hindquarters and caused no serious damage. The cops, however, didn't look too kindly on the hundreds of drunk, stoned, and in some cases armed, longhairs and were threatening to shut the whole thing down. My girlfriend and I took off, looking for a place where we could have a few drinks and listen to music without a bunch of drama.

It turned out to be the last show that she would ever attend. I guess she wasn't into going to thrash metal shows in the middle of nowhere with a buncha gang members shooting each other. Not even for the free beer.

Here are the videos to a few of my favorite cover songs. Try not to get shot while watching them.

Imagine by A Perfect Circle (covering John Lennon). Lennon has never sounded heavier.

My Humps by Alanis Morissette (covering Black Eyed Peas). Alanis took a sugar-coated pop song and gave it substance.

Metro by System of a Down (covering Berlin). I didn't think an 80s pop song would work for SOAD, but I was wrong.

Satisfaction by Devo (covering the Rolling Stones). Brilliant in the fact that it sounds nothing like the original.

Walk This Way by Run DMC (covering Aerosmith). A pretty straight-forward version of classic Aerosmith, but an important one since it helped show that hip hop and rock weren't musically exclusive.

Where Did You Sleep Last Night? by Nirvana (covering Lead Belly). This version doesn't stray too far from the original, but when Kurt starts wailing in the last half, it's all Nirvana.

My Way by Sid Vicious (covering Frank Sinatra). I wonder if Sid and Frank are jamming this one in the afterlife?

Hurt by Johnny Cash (covering Nine Inch Nails). If I hadn't been familiar with the original, I would've sworn this was a song written by the Man In Black himself.

Gin and Juice by Richard Cheese (covering Snoop Doggy Dogg). More rap needs to be covered like this, biatch.

Hazy Shade of Winter by The Bangles (covering Simon and Garfunkel). I was best friends with the drummer in my first band. Sometimes after our practice sessions, we'd switch instruments: he'd take over my guitar while I banged away on the drums. Even though we played music influenced by the Big Four of thrash metal (Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax, and Slayer), we LOVED the Bangles. We had many intense, hours-long debates over who was hotter, Vicki Peterson or Susanna Hoffs, before we finally covered their cover of Simon and Garfunkel's "Hazy Shade of Winter." It was much more thrash-metal-sounding than "Walk Like An Egyptian."

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Video Killed the Radio Star

When I get married to my next ex-wife, I want these guys to play my wedding. They're the geniuses behind three of the Greatest. Music. Videos. Ever.

Monday, October 01, 2007


My last Top Ten List was written over a year ago, so it's time for an update. I sacrificed many hours this weekend for you, Dear Reader, scouring the Internet for photos of my favorite female celebrities. It was an arduous task, wading through hundreds and hundreds of not-safe-for-work photos. I continued the search long into the night for your reading pleasure. No need to thank me, though; the search was reward enough. Maybe I'll reward myself again this weekend.

Top Ten Hottest Female Celebrity List, Version 2.0:

1. Aishwarya Rai
2. Angel Locsin
3. Beyonce
4. Megan Fox
5. Kat Von D
6. Jessica Alba
7. Salma Hayek
8. Rose McGowan
9. Scarlett Johansson
10. Gillian Anderson
11. Rachael Ray (my WTF?! Pick)

The Breakdown (* was on last year's list):

1. Aishwarya Rai: If I was at the Crossroads and the Devil asked me if I wanted rock n' roll immortality or one night with Miss Rai, I'd jump on the next Satanic Express to India for the Greatest Night in the History of My Soon-To-Be-Ending Life.

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2. Angel Locsin: I can't think of a more fitting name for this young lady, although I prefer She-Who-Wants-GMP Locsin.

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3. Beyonce*: Marlowe once wrote of Helen of Troy, "Was this the face that launched a thousand ships?" If he'd seen Beyonce, he would've written, "Was this the face that launched a thousand websites?"

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4. Kat Von D: Reminds me of a cuter Joanna Angel (see below). She's the only tattoo artist I'd let tattoo me ... with a nail gun.

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5. Megan Fox: Millions of teenaged boys did naughty things after seeing her in Transformers while millions of older men also, uh, enjoyed her role in that film.

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6. Jessica Alba: Narrowly missed last year's list, but she can't miss two years in a row. She'll always be in contention, even if she continues to make crap like Fantastic Four.

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7. Salma Hayek*: If your pants are still on by the end of this clip featuring Salma, then you're either a) not attracted to women or b) dead.

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8. Rose McGowan*: Almost didn't make it back this year, but the opening of Planet Terror sealed the deal.

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9. Scarlett Johansson*: I finally saw Match Point and even though I'm not a big Woody Allen fan, I gotta give the man props for letting Scarlett do what she does best: be smoking hot.

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10. Gillian Anderson*: On my list years ago and made it back for this version, only because I've been watching a lot of X-Files re-runs lately. If the FBI was after me, I'd want Scully assigned to the case. She could slap those handcuffs on me and I'd enjoy it.

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Those who didn't make it back from last year's top ten:

Joanna Angel: My favorite porn star has been keeping herself busy by releasing the cinematic classics The XXXorcist, Ass Angels 5, and Cum On My Tattoo.

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Hiromi Oshima: My favorite Playboy Playmate.

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Raquel Gibson: My other favorite Playboy Playmate.

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Fergie: She's talented, she's hot ... but I still have nightmares of this photo.

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Gwen Stefani: I'll always have love for Gwen. At least she hasn't pulled a Fergie.

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Rachael Ray: Didn't make the Top Ten, but she's now my WTF?! Pick. She's as perky/annoying as ever, but also hot in that perky/annoying kinda way. I'd pour EVOO all over her in a New York minute.

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