Ten

My last Top Ten List was written over a year ago, so it's time for an update. I sacrificed many hours this weekend for you, Dear Reader, scouring the Internet for photos of my favorite female celebrities. It was an arduous task, wading through hundreds and hundreds of not-safe-for-work photos. I continued the search long into the night for your reading pleasure. No need to thank me, though; the search was reward enough. Maybe I'll reward myself again this weekend.

Top Ten Hottest Female Celebrity List, Version 2.0:

1. Aishwarya Rai
2. Angel Locsin
3. Beyonce
4. Megan Fox
5. Kat Von D
6. Jessica Alba
7. Salma Hayek
8. Rose McGowan
9. Scarlett Johansson
10. Gillian Anderson
11. Rachael Ray (my WTF?! Pick)

The Breakdown (* was on last year's list):

1. Aishwarya Rai: If I was at the Crossroads and the Devil asked me if I wanted rock n' roll immortality or one night with Miss Rai, I'd jump on the next Satanic Express to India for the Greatest Night in the History of My Soon-To-Be-Ending Life.

2. Angel Locsin: I can't think of a more fitting name for this young lady, although I prefer She-Who-Wants-GMP Locsin.

3. Beyonce*: Marlowe once wrote of Helen of Troy, "Was this the face that launched a thousand ships?" If he'd seen Beyonce, he would've written, "Was this the face that launched a thousand websites?"

4. Kat Von D: Reminds me of a cuter Joanna Angel (see below). She's the only tattoo artist I'd let tattoo me ... with a nail gun.

5. Megan Fox: Millions of teenaged boys did naughty things after seeing her in Transformers while millions of older men also, uh, enjoyed her role in that film.

6. Jessica Alba: Narrowly missed last year's list, but she can't miss two years in a row. She'll always be in contention, even if she continues to make crap like Fantastic Four.

7. Salma Hayek*: If your pants are still on by the end of this clip featuring Salma, then you're either a) not attracted to women or b) dead.

8. Rose McGowan*: Almost didn't make it back this year, but the opening of Planet Terror sealed the deal.

9. Scarlett Johansson*: I finally saw Match Point and even though I'm not a big Woody Allen fan, I gotta give the man props for letting Scarlett do what she does best: be smoking hot.

10. Gillian Anderson*: On my list years ago and made it back for this version, only because I've been watching a lot of X-Files re-runs lately. If the FBI was after me, I'd want Scully assigned to the case. She could slap those handcuffs on me and I'd enjoy it.

Those who didn't make it back from last year's top ten:

Joanna Angel: My favorite porn star has been keeping herself busy by releasing the cinematic classics The XXXorcist, Ass Angels 5, and Cum On My Tattoo.

Hiromi Oshima: My favorite Playboy Playmate.

Raquel Gibson: My other favorite Playboy Playmate.

Fergie: She's talented, she's hot ... but I still have nightmares of this photo.

Gwen Stefani: I'll always have love for Gwen. At least she hasn't pulled a Fergie.

Rachael Ray: Didn't make the Top Ten, but she's now my WTF?! Pick. She's as perky/annoying as ever, but also hot in that perky/annoying kinda way. I'd pour EVOO all over her in a New York minute.