1. Who are you?
Hello ladies, I’m Grand Master Pants, a divorced, unemployed 37-year-old who lives with his parents. I surf porn 12 hours a day, eat Krispy Kremes by the dozen, and drink Jack Daniels by the gallon. Unfortunately, I have no children, but you're in luck because I have a gambling problem. I know this is making you hot, so I’ll stop. Besides, dad says it's time to get off the computer and take out the trash.
2. Why is this blog called "Speaking of No One's Looking"?
It's a fitting description of the ginormous audience that this blog disappoints on a regular basis. I stole the line from Tommy Boy, one my favorite comedies.
3. How can I contact you?
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
4. When you're not writing this blog, what do you do?
I love to drink, do drugs, start fights, and take long walks on the beach with my puppy. Seriously, though, I don't really like walking on the beach and I don't have a puppy.