Thursday, March 27, 2008

Sin City

I’ve been thinking about Las Vegas lately, so here’s something I’d written for a friend's myspace blog a few months ago. Hooray for cut-and-paste.

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Kim Kardashian in Las Vegas. Good times.

10 Things About Me, the Vegas Version:

1. I once spent an entire Saturday night/Sunday morning at a strip club. In the middle of my umpteenth lap dance, I realized I hadn’t gotten my NFL bets down. I jumped in a cab, made it to the sportsbook with minutes to spare and placed my bets. I then took another cab back to the club to continue my lap dance. I don’t know if this makes me a degenerate gambler or degenerate sex addict. Probably both.

2. I shot craps with a goodfella who was a dead ringer for Junior Soprano. I lost $100 in about 10 minutes ... the same amount of time it took Junior to lose nearly $10,000.

3. One of my birthdays I ended up drunk, stoned, and puking my guts out in my hotel bathroom. Naked.

4. Over the years I’ve learned that when a beautiful woman asks, "Are you a cop?" she’s not just making conversation.

5. Back when he was still the champ and before he went to prison, I saw Mike Tyson shut down an entire jewelry store at the Hilton. Dude had the biggest neck and the meanest don’t-fuck-with-me-while-I-try-on-my-bling scowl I’d ever seen.

6. Unfortunately, in keeping with the traditional bachelor-party gag order, I cannot reveal the details of any of the bachelor parties I’ve attended in Vegas. I’ll just say that I could’ve (should’ve) been arrested for various misdemeanors ... and felonies.

7. Brett Favre has single-handedly cost me more money than any other professional athlete. It never fails to happen: the Something About Mary star either throws the dumbest interception or makes the miracle touchdown to ruin the point spread. I’m convinced that when he finally retires, I’ll be able to recoup some of the thousands he’s cost me in NFL bets. (NOTE: Now that he’s retired, let’s go to the sportsbook!)

8. I’ve fallen in love more times at the Crazy Horse Too than at any other place in the world. The feeling lasts until I’m all out of money.

9. I’m a non-smoker, but I always go through a pack of smokes whenever I’m in Vegas.

10. I couldn’t believe how crappy I felt at the end of my last trip to Sin City. I was actually drinking hot tea, hoping to fend off my impending illness. I wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that I played poker for 28 of the 36 hours I was in town? Nah ...