Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Freeroll

I've finally recovered after the Lakers loss in the finals a coupla weeks ago. Honestly, I wasn't as bummed as I should've been. Sure, it sucks losing to the hated Celtics, but if you would've told me at the start of the season the Lakers would be two games away from winning the championship, I would've called you an idiot. And I would've used most, if not all, of Mr. Carlin's seven words in doing so (RIP, George. I always loved your work, especially your breakdown of football and baseball).

The Lakers amazing playoff run was what poker players call a freeroll. This is when you can't lose a hand -- it's a tie, but you still have a shot to win. This normally happens in hold em when you and your opponent have the same starting hand (for example, Ace-King), but the board has flush cards and they match your hand. You both have ace high, but now you're freerolling because you can win by hitting the flush. In other words, you can't lose. Got it?

The Lakers were freerolling this postseason. Seriously, after Kobe asking to be traded and Buss confirming that they were shopping Kobe, anything other than a trade or an early playoff exit was a win for us Laker fans. But to go all the way to the finals without our best big man in Bynum? That's a freeroll, my friends. Yes, the Lakers lost, but after the offseason and early season turmoil, this team is ready to begin yet another dynasty for the Greatest Franchise in All Sports. Boston was lucky to win their title this year cuz now they're gonna go another 20 years until they show up in the finals again (unless Kevin McHale stays in Minnesota for another 20 years and "trades" his best player to the Celtics again).

Thanks to all of my friends who emailed/texted/called with their condolences. You like me, you really like me! And major props to the lady who cheered me up by sending a photo of her cleavage. That helped me forget about the Lakers loss for two minutes ... although it might've been three.

Another thing that helped me get over this season: The Girls of Stare. This is the Greatest. Show. Ever. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think this will sweep the Emmys (preview below).

GO LAKERS!!!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

You Are the Government

Been reading a buncha stuff on the upcoming election and instead of boring you with my take, check out this video someone made for an old Bad Religion tune.

I dig this song, but it's too damn short! So punk rock.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Sin City

I’ve been thinking about Las Vegas lately, so here’s something I’d written for a friend's myspace blog a few months ago. Hooray for cut-and-paste.

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Kim Kardashian in Las Vegas. Good times.


10 Things About Me, the Vegas Version:

1. I once spent an entire Saturday night/Sunday morning at a strip club. In the middle of my umpteenth lap dance, I realized I hadn’t gotten my NFL bets down. I jumped in a cab, made it to the sportsbook with minutes to spare and placed my bets. I then took another cab back to the club to continue my lap dance. I don’t know if this makes me a degenerate gambler or degenerate sex addict. Probably both.

2. I shot craps with a goodfella who was a dead ringer for Junior Soprano. I lost $100 in about 10 minutes ... the same amount of time it took Junior to lose nearly $10,000.

3. One of my birthdays I ended up drunk, stoned, and puking my guts out in my hotel bathroom. Naked.

4. Over the years I’ve learned that when a beautiful woman asks, "Are you a cop?" she’s not just making conversation.

5. Back when he was still the champ and before he went to prison, I saw Mike Tyson shut down an entire jewelry store at the Hilton. Dude had the biggest neck and the meanest don’t-fuck-with-me-while-I-try-on-my-bling scowl I’d ever seen.

6. Unfortunately, in keeping with the traditional bachelor-party gag order, I cannot reveal the details of any of the bachelor parties I’ve attended in Vegas. I’ll just say that I could’ve (should’ve) been arrested for various misdemeanors ... and felonies.

7. Brett Favre has single-handedly cost me more money than any other professional athlete. It never fails to happen: the Something About Mary star either throws the dumbest interception or makes the miracle touchdown to ruin the point spread. I’m convinced that when he finally retires, I’ll be able to recoup some of the thousands he’s cost me in NFL bets. (NOTE: Now that he’s retired, let’s go to the sportsbook!)

8. I’ve fallen in love more times at the Crazy Horse Too than at any other place in the world. The feeling lasts until I’m all out of money.

9. I’m a non-smoker, but I always go through a pack of smokes whenever I’m in Vegas.

10. I couldn’t believe how crappy I felt at the end of my last trip to Sin City. I was actually drinking hot tea, hoping to fend off my impending illness. I wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that I played poker for 28 of the 36 hours I was in town? Nah ...

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Scorecard

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Long before ESPN, the Internet, and cell phone updates, I got all of my sports-related information from the Los Angeles Times. My dad would bring home the paper every night and I'd go straight to the sports section. Sometimes on the weekend we'd go down the street to pick up donuts and the paper. Other times, we'd get the paper before a stop at the barbershop. I preferred donuts to haircuts, but those were the breaks.

If the Lakers had played the night before, then I'd read that story first before turning to page two for Allan Malamud's “Notes On A Scorecard” column. Malamud (“Mud” as his colleagues and thousands of readers called him) was my favorite sportswriter, along with the legendary Jim Murray.

“Notes” ran a few days each week and was filled with Mud's insider views and observations on the L.A. sports scene. I loved how he covered every sport, pro or college, in his quick, concise style. A few years later, I'd appreciate how he'd occasionally offer a tip on a horse at Santa Anita or Hollywood Park. I always wondered how much his column affected the odds at the track.

When I became sports editor of my college paper, I wrote a weekly column based on Mud's template. While I felt my professor/editor would’ve frowned on me handicapping the horse races, I did provide my own insider take on our school’s teams. It was a great experience and I briefly considered a life as a professional sportswriter.

Mud died years ago and it's a bummer that not much was written about him. I still think of him and Jim Murray whenever I open up the Times sports section. Click here for a nice tribute to Malamud.

So, in honor of the late, great Allan Malamud, here are my thoughts on recent events in the sports world. I'm not an insider, but a fan ... so let's call this Notes on a Fan's Scorecard. (Patriots and Celtics fans, you should probably stop reading now. You've been warned)

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As a Raider fan, I gotta admit that it was sweet watching the Patriots lose the Super Bowl and their quest for a perfect season.

After referee Walt Coleman screwed the Raiders in New England with his bullshit interpretation of the Tuck Rule, it was fitting that a New York player named Justin Tuck had a major hand in beating the Cheating Patriots.

While I don't think Belichick's walking off the field with one second left was as bad as the Pistons walking off the court against the Bulls in '91, it was still a pretty shitty thing to do.

Of course, this is the same asshole who routinely made a mockery of the post-game handshake and ran up the score in various games this season, so it's not that surprising.

Karma's a bitch, Bill.

Worst call of the Super Bowl came after the game: The Giant's defensive line deserved to be MVP, not Eli.

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Super Bowl commercials that scored high with the crowd I was watching with: Naomi Campbell and the “Thriller” lizards, the Budweiser “Rocky” Clydesdale, and Pepsi's Night at the Roxbury.

Honorable mention: Justin Timberlake's magnetic attraction.

My personal favorite: the Victoria's Secret ad. Sure, it was boring and lame, but Adriana Lima on a 60-inch HD television can sell me anything, anytime.

Worst commercial: the one featuring pandas with bad Chinese accents. Memo to ad executives: stick to funny animals, beautiful women, or celebrities getting slammed in the groin to sell your products. There's a certain time, place, and manner for joking about racial stereotypes and this wasn't it, morons.

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Laker fans, repeat after me: “Mitch, I'm sorry.”

Like every other Angeleno, I've bitched and moaned about Mitch Kupchak since he took over for Jerry West, but he's pulled off two Logo-like moves this season: first, Brian Cook and Maurice Evans for Trevor Ariza and now Kwame “Expiring Contract” Brown and Javaris Crittenton for Pau Gasol.

David Stern and the NBA are creaming in their jeans right now thinking of a possible L.A.-Boston finals. I expect every referees' calls to go the Lakers and Celtics way until they meet in June.

It'd be a lot easier to guarantee a Lakers-Celtics final if Tim Donaghy was still an NBA ref.

The best part of the Lakers-Grizzlies deal is that Jerry West is no longer the Grizzlies GM and can't be accused of helping his former team, unlike the Cheating Celtics' GM Danny Ainge and his “trade” for Kevin Garnett from former teammate and Wolves GM Kevin McHale.

To paraphrase Pat Riley, I guarantee the Lakers will win the NBA title next year ... if not this year.

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Let's hope Joe Torre pulls a Phil Jackson and gets the Dodgers to start playing like champions.

Even with the addition of Torre, though, I don't like the fact that the Dodgers raised ticket prices in the top deck to $11. I paid $6 just two years ago.

Go support your local minor league team. Mine is down the street and for less than $20 I can get a ticket, parking, a hot dog and a beer. That's half of what it costs to do the same at Dodger Stadium.

In L.A. the first true sign of spring is Vin Scully's voice on the airwaves.

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Unfortunately, spring also usually means the end of the Kings' hockey season, when they're long out of the playoff picture. This season, the Kings' spring started in December.

Luckily for the Kings, nobody watches the NHL anymore, so their horrible season has gone by unnoticed ... much like these last few sentences after the photo above.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Happy Holidays!

I've posted links to these Christmas stories before, but they're worth revisiting. The first features Mel Torme and the second you might recognize as the coda from the film Smoke.

If you don't feel like reading, then check out this video version of a classic Christmas song. Happy holidays everybody!

P.S. Actually, this might be the Greatest. Christmas. Song. Ever.


UPDATE 12/26: The above video ("Jingle Bell Rock" from the film Mean Girls) was removed from youtube. What a drag. It features Lindsay Lohan at her absolute peak and Lacey Chabert looking pretty hot (and making me feel like a dirty old man for watching an episode of Party of Five). Anyways, here's a photo from the movie. Now go rent it.

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