You Are the Government

Been reading a buncha stuff on the upcoming election and instead of boring you with my take, check out this video someone made for an old Bad Religion tune.

I dig this song, but it's too damn short! So punk rock.

Sin City

I’ve been thinking about Las Vegas lately, so here’s something I’d written for a friend's myspace blog a few months ago. Hooray for cut-and-paste.

Kim Kardashian in Las Vegas. Good times.

10 Things About Me, the Vegas Version:

1. I once spent an entire Saturday night/Sunday morning at a strip club. In the middle of my umpteenth lap dance, I realized I hadn’t gotten my NFL bets down. I jumped in a cab, made it to the sportsbook with minutes to spare and placed my bets. I then took another cab back to the club to continue my lap dance. I don’t know if this makes me a degenerate gambler or degenerate sex addict. Probably both.

2. I shot craps with a goodfella who was a dead ringer for Junior Soprano. I lost $100 in about 10 minutes ... the same amount of time it took Junior to lose nearly $10,000.

3. One of my birthdays I ended up drunk, stoned, and puking my guts out in my hotel bathroom. Naked.

4. Over the years I’ve learned that when a beautiful woman asks, "Are you a cop?" she’s not just making conversation.

5. Back when he was still the champ and before he went to prison, I saw Mike Tyson shut down an entire jewelry store at the Hilton. Dude had the biggest neck and the meanest don’t-fuck-with-me-while-I-try-on-my-bling scowl I’d ever seen.

6. Unfortunately, in keeping with the traditional bachelor-party gag order, I cannot reveal the details of any of the bachelor parties I’ve attended in Vegas. I’ll just say that I could’ve (should’ve) been arrested for various misdemeanors ... and felonies.

7. Brett Favre has single-handedly cost me more money than any other professional athlete. It never fails to happen: the Something About Mary star either throws the dumbest interception or makes the miracle touchdown to ruin the point spread. I’m convinced that when he finally retires, I’ll be able to recoup some of the thousands he’s cost me in NFL bets. (NOTE: Now that he’s retired, let’s go to the sportsbook!)

8. I’ve fallen in love more times at the Crazy Horse Too than at any other place in the world. The feeling lasts until I’m all out of money.

9. I’m a non-smoker, but I always go through a pack of smokes whenever I’m in Vegas.

10. I couldn’t believe how crappy I felt at the end of my last trip to Sin City. I was actually drinking hot tea, hoping to fend off my impending illness. I wonder if it had anything to do with the fact that I played poker for 28 of the 36 hours I was in town? Nah ...

Scorecard

Long before ESPN, the Internet, and cell phone updates, I got all of my sports-related information from the Los Angeles Times. My dad would bring home the paper every night and I'd go straight to the sports section. Sometimes on the weekend we'd go down the street to pick up donuts and the paper. Other times, we'd get the paper before a stop at the barbershop. I preferred donuts to haircuts, but those were the breaks.

If the Lakers had played the night before, then I'd read that story first before turning to page two for Allan Malamud's “Notes On A Scorecard” column. Malamud (“Mud” as his colleagues and thousands of readers called him) was my favorite sportswriter, along with the legendary Jim Murray.

“Notes” ran a few days each week and was filled with Mud's insider views and observations on the L.A. sports scene. I loved how he covered every sport, pro or college, in his quick, concise style. A few years later, I'd appreciate how he'd occasionally offer a tip on a horse at Santa Anita or Hollywood Park. I always wondered how much his column affected the odds at the track.

When I became sports editor of my college paper, I wrote a weekly column based on Mud's template. While I felt my professor/editor would’ve frowned on me handicapping the horse races, I did provide my own insider take on our school’s teams. It was a great experience and I briefly considered a life as a professional sportswriter.

Mud died years ago and it's a bummer that not much was written about him. I still think of him and Jim Murray whenever I open up the Times sports section. Click here for a nice tribute to Malamud.

So, in honor of the late, great Allan Malamud, here are my thoughts on recent events in the sports world. I'm not an insider, but a fan ... so let's call this Notes on a Fan's Scorecard. (Patriots and Celtics fans, you should probably stop reading now. You've been warned)



As a Raider fan, I gotta admit that it was sweet watching the Patriots lose the Super Bowl and their quest for a perfect season.

After referee Walt Coleman screwed the Raiders in New England with his bullshit interpretation of the Tuck Rule, it was fitting that a New York player named Justin Tuck had a major hand in beating the Cheating Patriots.

While I don't think Belichick's walking off the field with one second left was as bad as the Pistons walking off the court against the Bulls in '91, it was still a pretty shitty thing to do.

Of course, this is the same asshole who routinely made a mockery of the post-game handshake and ran up the score in various games this season, so it's not that surprising.

Karma's a bitch, Bill.

Worst call of the Super Bowl came after the game: The Giant's defensive line deserved to be MVP, not Eli.



Super Bowl commercials that scored high with the crowd I was watching with: Naomi Campbell and the “Thriller” lizards, the Budweiser “Rocky” Clydesdale, and Pepsi's Night at the Roxbury.

Honorable mention: Justin Timberlake's magnetic attraction.

My personal favorite: the Victoria's Secret ad. Sure, it was boring and lame, but Adriana Lima on a 60-inch HD television can sell me anything, anytime.

Worst commercial: the one featuring pandas with bad Chinese accents. Memo to ad executives: stick to funny animals, beautiful women, or celebrities getting slammed in the groin to sell your products. There's a certain time, place, and manner for joking about racial stereotypes and this wasn't it, morons.



Laker fans, repeat after me: “Mitch, I'm sorry.”

Like every other Angeleno, I've bitched and moaned about Mitch Kupchak since he took over for Jerry West, but he's pulled off two Logo-like moves this season: first, Brian Cook and Maurice Evans for Trevor Ariza and now Kwame “Expiring Contract” Brown and Javaris Crittenton for Pau Gasol.

David Stern and the NBA are creaming in their jeans right now thinking of a possible L.A.-Boston finals. I expect every referees' calls to go the Lakers and Celtics way until they meet in June.

It'd be a lot easier to guarantee a Lakers-Celtics final if Tim Donaghy was still an NBA ref.

The best part of the Lakers-Grizzlies deal is that Jerry West is no longer the Grizzlies GM and can't be accused of helping his former team, unlike the Cheating Celtics' GM Danny Ainge and his “trade” for Kevin Garnett from former teammate and Wolves GM Kevin McHale.

To paraphrase Pat Riley, I guarantee the Lakers will win the NBA title next year ... if not this year.



Let's hope Joe Torre pulls a Phil Jackson and gets the Dodgers to start playing like champions.

Even with the addition of Torre, though, I don't like the fact that the Dodgers raised ticket prices in the top deck to $11. I paid $6 just two years ago.

Go support your local minor league team. Mine is down the street and for less than $20 I can get a ticket, parking, a hot dog and a beer. That's half of what it costs to do the same at Dodger Stadium.

In L.A. the first true sign of spring is Vin Scully's voice on the airwaves.



Unfortunately, spring also usually means the end of the Kings' hockey season, when they're long out of the playoff picture. This season, the Kings' spring started in December.

Luckily for the Kings, nobody watches the NHL anymore, so their horrible season has gone by unnoticed ... much like these last few sentences after the photo above.

Happy Holidays!

I've posted links to these Christmas stories before, but they're worth revisiting. The first features Mel Torme and the second you might recognize as the coda from the film Smoke.

If you don't feel like reading, then check out this video version of a classic Christmas song. Happy holidays everybody!

P.S. Actually, this might be the Greatest. Christmas. Song. Ever.

UPDATE 12/26: The above video ("Jingle Bell Rock" from the film Mean Girls) was removed from youtube. What a drag. It features Lindsay Lohan at her absolute peak and Lacey Chabert looking pretty hot (and making me feel like a dirty old man for watching an episode of Party of Five). Anyways, here's a photo from the movie. Now go rent it.

No Sale

I'm staying away from the Day After Thanksgiving Sale madness today. I did it years ago and was scarred for life.

The top three reasons why I don't do Black Friday anymore:

1. I don't wanna spend money I don't have

2. I don't wanna deal with finding a parking space

3. I don't wanna deal with the crowds

Of course, when I went to a club in L.A. the night before Thanksgiving, these same reasons could be applied to why I shouldn't be in a club in L.A. the night before Thanksgiving. I guess I just couldn't resist the allure of $10 drinks and the headache-inducing volume of the latest dance hits.

It was a lot of fun, though (not the $10 drinks, but shaking my ass with the masses). In addition to my health, family, and friends, the go-go dancers gave me plenty to be thankful for.

I made it home in one piece and was fully functional for the next day's festivities at my brother's place. We ate, drank, and laughed all day and late into the night. I slept off my remaining hangover and woke up today ready for the traditional leftover turkey sandwiches.

Panic set in when I realized we were out of bread and I'd have to brave the retail world. I decided to improvise and wound up with a surprisingly delicious Top Ramen Turkey and Egg soup. Now I'm trying to figure out what to do with this leftover stuffing. I've got a bag of fried pork skins that's been calling my name the last coupla days. Do I dare merge the two?

Since I'm seriously considering a stuffing-and-fried-pork-skins meal right now, I guess I'll have to go to the store now. Or smoke a joint.